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And I’ll answer them here or if you’d like more privacy you can write to my email at allbitsthesame@yahoo.com.

Visit my other blog, too.

twentiesworkshop.wordpress.com.

Finding the G-spot

Here’s a GREAT blog about finding the g-spot.

Go get em!  Happy spelunking!

http://open.salon.com/blog/marytkelly/2009/07/25/the_elusive_g-spotdoes_it_really_exist

Getting real about women will make YOUR sex MUCH better

I should probably say this in all caps but…I am about to point up some negatives about pornography.  I am not suggesting that pornography be made illegal.  It’s absolutely stunning how panicked most men seem to get about pornography.

Let me say this again.  I’m not suggesting that anyone will take away pornography.

Do I need to say this again?  I’m not suggesting that anyone will take away pornography.

I’m probably still going to get comments about free speech and censorship and whatever.  Save those typing fingers for better things, guys!

But here’s a problem with pornography – among many.  Pornography, in my opinion, tends to dumb down sex.  Certainly there are exceptions but in a vast, vast, vast sea of pornography, the sex is really, really, really, really, really, really basic.

Pornography’s audience is primarily male – that’s no secret.  But guys, it sells you short.  Pornography gives a version of sex where everything that the women are or do is oriented toward what the male audience (ostensibly at least) wants.

The women look like men seem to want (impossibly slim but with gigantic breasts), act like men seem to want and approach sex in way that is completely oriented toward men.  Which makes sense – they’re being paid to please the customer and the customer is male.

I think these are the primary images in lots of guys minds as they start opening up to sex; it’s what they grew up on.  But the women in porn aren’t showing women’s real sexuality.  They aren’t showing a slow, deep, arousal cycle that involves every part of their bodies.  They aren’t showing all the ways of deep, intense sex that isn’t just intercourse.  They’re not showing the transcendence or intimacy that makes sex powerful.

So men grow up without realizing the power – for THEM – of tuning into women’s sexuality.  This is something the ancient Tantric sexual arts have taught for millennia.  When men open up to women’s slow, deep arousal cycles they have longer, deeper, much more satisfying sex.  Many men report orgasm separate from ejaculation, the kinds of full body multiple orgasms that women have, lovemaking that lasts hours instead of minutes and a world of pleasure they never thought possible.

Kate Morgan’s Porn 101

I happened on a show on Showtime (?) called Kate Morgan’s Porn 101.  It was hosted by a woman who I guess is a well known porn star.  She stood next to the clips of the history of porn nude: quite slim with big suspiciously round and perky breasts (likely implants) and completely shaved pubes.

She was blond and relatively articulate, I thought.  The porn history was not uninteresting: it seemed quite innocent.  The women seemed relatively real compared to Kate.

But I thought…that’s it?  That’s how we’ve portrayed sex?  I did notice that in many of the older Asian renditions of sex, the lovers are often looking into each other’s eyes.  In the West it seems like the woman isn’t really even there except as sort of vacant set of orifices.  With giant, upright boobs.  That’s what we call hot.

It’s pathetic, really.

Speaking of Margaret Cho

Image behind Margaret during her new HBO show, "Beautiful"

She’s got a new special on HBO that is hilarious and subversive and great.

Her material is unbelievably filthy but there’s a sweetness and innocence about her approach to sexuality that I find absolutely endearing.   She doesn’t seem fixated on any of it.  It’s like talking about sexuality without the de-repression boomerang reaction.

So much of the way sexuality is handled in public discourse seems to be a reaction to the long history of repression that, for us moderns, probably derives from Victorianism.  Lots of comics talk about sex but there’s an undercurrent of repulsion or fear or anger in their “openness.”

Reaction to repression is just as defined by repression as submitting to repression.  I think Cho’s attitude represents a willingness to meet all the issues of sexuality (particularly queer culture) fully and fearlessly.  She would be the last person to say she’s without issues.  Her willingness to work through her issues with her audiences I find very cool.

More insanity about women having orgasms through intercourse

More insanity about women having orgasms through intercourse

I love Margaret Cho but I kinda don’t get why having an orgasm through intercourse is important enough to get a medical procedure to facilitate it.

She told the ladies on The View that she got what’s called a “g-shot” – a bead of collagen injected into the g-spot (OMFG.)  She said it didn’t work (surprise!) and was a not fun experience.

Happily, Margaret recommended against doing it.  Yay!

Letting someone in there with a needle when you don’t have to?  I SO don’t think so.

Stop the insanity!  Most women don’t have orgasms from intercourse alone.  So fucking what?  I get that whole face-to-face (or whatever) intercourse thing makes it nice for everybody to have orgasms about the same time but there are ways to make this happen.

1. She adds a little clitoral stimulation with her own hand while you’re having intercourse.   This is good but is a little like masturbation which I’m not dissing but doesn’t quite have the punch of someone else making you come.
2. You add a little clitoral stimulation with your hand while you’re having intercourse.  This may be a little carpal-tunnel producing in missionary position but doggy style and side-to-side it’s easy.  Try it.  Get in the rhythm.
3. See how she is about adding a little toy/vibrator thingy.  For some women, vibrators make for way-too-fast, way-too-trivial orgasms but for others they’re great.

I hope we get over this women having orgasms through intercourse is far superior to women having orgasms the way they have them thing SOON.

Most women need connection to feel aroused

This is definitely a generalization based on my own experience and women I know. I’m not saying that it could never change but most women seem to need a sense of connection to a potential partner before they will feel aroused.

It seems more common for guys to know that they’re either interested in sex or not interested in sex right away. They don’t seem to need a lot of information about their potential partner’s values, intellect or character immediately. These qualities are important for men to pick a long term partner, but they don’t seem quite as crucial for men’s immediate arousal as they are for women.

For women, there may be an immediate chemistry but most women seem to need a strong sense of who the man really is before they are comfortable with intimacy.

So what we get is a really bad little pattern where both sides think they’re being gamed.

They guy is attracted and just wants to know if she is and if she is then what’s holding up the physical part?

The woman is either immediately attracted or not. If she’s immediately attracted, she still might need to feel a sense of connection and safety before wanting to move forward. She might want to avoid that queasy awkward feeling of finding out there’s nothing to say to the guy after sex. Men might also feel that queasy awkwardness but I’m guessing not as much. Am I right?

If she’s not immediately attracted, she may like the guy and she may hope that, over time, as she gets to know him, she’s become attracted and aroused. She may need to put on a little mileage with him before she feels like getting physical.

So, guys, if she just wants to hang out but doesn’t want to get physical that may be why. It’s not a game for her, really. It may just be that she can’t feel intimate until she knows who you are at a deep level.

Why is this called “integral” sexuality?

I’ve been studying integral theory for a while – it’s basically the philosophy of Ken Wilber and I’ll oversimplify by saying that it helps you see things from a number of different perspectives.

This blog looks at sexuality from lots of angles (gee, why is everything a double entendre when you’re writing about sex?) It’s informational but also about how sex and relationships fit into living a great life.

It seems that we’ve focused a ton on how men and women are different in their approaches to love and sex. Clearly the physiological differences are pretty important and our culture (all the world’s cultures) have taught women and men very differently about sex.

Every comedian has a bit about how different men and women are. But are we focusing so much on that that we’re losing what we share? That we have this potential for pleasure together that is very different from what we can have apart? That we can support each other in utterly fundamental ways?

So this is integral in that it’s looking at sex from women’s point of view and men’s point of view and it’s about physiology and love and even spirituality through sex. And it’s thinking about envisioning a world of sex and love that’s not a zero sum game – where the more I get what I want, the more you get what you want, too.

Possible?

Penis size

I can’t do better than to quote Shere Hite, author the groundbreaking Hite Report that made such a huge impact in 70s.

I watched the pilot of Hung yesterday (HBO) and the contrasts with Secret Diary of a Call Girl are interesting – but that’s a topic for another time. The story is about a guy in grave financial circumstances who decides to try to make a living from his extraordinarily large penis. A couple of scenes implied (once again – yawn) that his big dick made a woman’s orgasm more likely.

There’s no evidence for this, folks. Shere Hite has actually done massive research with real women.

From The Shere Hite Reader (2006)

“It seems that young men in their twenties today are still as worried about penis size as men have been for a long time…although this cliché [that there is a direct relationship between the size of the penis and the woman’s orgasm] was overturned in the 1960’s, it seems to have made a dramatic comeback. Discussions of the drug Viagra have added to the presumption on the part of the very young that ‘everyone knows’ a man should have ‘a big hard one’. Many young men also have a prejudice against [clitoral] stimulation with their female partners (‘less manly than doing it to her with your dick’). As one puts it, ‘I understand that some women cannot reach orgasm with penetration, but I still want to try to make them happy.’ In what he thinks is an understanding statement, by his choice of words he has already put any female partner he might have on the defensive! First, he implies that only ‘some women’ have this ‘lack of capacity,’ thus they are ‘incapable,’ ‘not like the other,’ and so on. In other words, they are ‘semifailures’ and ‘not as good as’ the others.

“Rather than accept the reality of how most women reach orgasm, being happy about the variety and spontaneity offered, sharing that and changing the shape of ‘sex,’ some men worry about whether or not they have the ‘right’ penis size, that is, ‘Whether or not I am big enough.’ The supposition is, ‘I’m sure that if I were big enough, she would have orgasm during penetration – just like in the porno movies!’ Is it penis size such men are worried about, or do they feel a fear of learning the ‘ins-and-outs’ of clitoral stimulation…”

“An insistence on focusing on erection does a terrible disservice to both men and owmen. Any man who finds himself thinking something like this, should ask himself if he believes that he has been brainwashed by imposed beliefs about ‘having a hard penis’ – or is he really speaking about his own pleasure in feeling excited when he has an erection. Feeling the pleasure of one’s own body is clearly the right of every human being; being brainwashed by slogans that are not good for you or your partner is another matter altogether.”

Wow, that’s kind of mind blowing if you let it sink in. Men in locker rooms all over the world fully worrying about the size of their dicks. Men losing some of the pure pleasure of their hard-ons cause they’re freaked that they might give women more orgasms if it were bigger. What a scam. Nothing sells like anxiety, does it? Women buying crap cause they’re sure they’re not sexy the way they are, men buying crap to get bigger harder dicks when that’s not the primary thing for women.

And yes, lots of women like how large dicks look and feel. The point is that it’s been blown (haha) WAY out of proportion.

Show up for sex

What I find pretty interesting is that people spend lots of time thinking about sex, having sexual fantasies, trying to hook up, strategizing, etc. And then when they’re having sex, their minds are off somewhere else.

Next time you’re fortunate enough to be in a sexual situation, watch your mind. Are you fully in the room? Are you using your senses to their fullest? Are you so attuned to your partner and her pleasure that her pleasure seems like your own? Are you feeling your own body fully?

A basic spiritual practice is to be present: to be here and now. What better place to practice that than sex? What a great place to be fully present.