Most women need connection to feel aroused

This is definitely a generalization based on my own experience and women I know. I’m not saying that it could never change but most women seem to need a sense of connection to a potential partner before they will feel aroused.

It seems more common for guys to know that they’re either interested in sex or not interested in sex right away. They don’t seem to need a lot of information about their potential partner’s values, intellect or character immediately. These qualities are important for men to pick a long term partner, but they don’t seem quite as crucial for men’s immediate arousal as they are for women.

For women, there may be an immediate chemistry but most women seem to need a strong sense of who the man really is before they are comfortable with intimacy.

So what we get is a really bad little pattern where both sides think they’re being gamed.

They guy is attracted and just wants to know if she is and if she is then what’s holding up the physical part?

The woman is either immediately attracted or not. If she’s immediately attracted, she still might need to feel a sense of connection and safety before wanting to move forward. She might want to avoid that queasy awkward feeling of finding out there’s nothing to say to the guy after sex. Men might also feel that queasy awkwardness but I’m guessing not as much. Am I right?

If she’s not immediately attracted, she may like the guy and she may hope that, over time, as she gets to know him, she’s become attracted and aroused. She may need to put on a little mileage with him before she feels like getting physical.

So, guys, if she just wants to hang out but doesn’t want to get physical that may be why. It’s not a game for her, really. It may just be that she can’t feel intimate until she knows who you are at a deep level.


Why is this called “integral” sexuality?

I’ve been studying integral theory for a while – it’s basically the philosophy of Ken Wilber and I’ll oversimplify by saying that it helps you see things from a number of different perspectives.

This blog looks at sexuality from lots of angles (gee, why is everything a double entendre when you’re writing about sex?) It’s informational but also about how sex and relationships fit into living a great life.

It seems that we’ve focused a ton on how men and women are different in their approaches to love and sex. Clearly the physiological differences are pretty important and our culture (all the world’s cultures) have taught women and men very differently about sex.

Every comedian has a bit about how different men and women are. But are we focusing so much on that that we’re losing what we share? That we have this potential for pleasure together that is very different from what we can have apart? That we can support each other in utterly fundamental ways?

So this is integral in that it’s looking at sex from women’s point of view and men’s point of view and it’s about physiology and love and even spirituality through sex. And it’s thinking about envisioning a world of sex and love that’s not a zero sum game – where the more I get what I want, the more you get what you want, too.


Show up for sex

What I find pretty interesting is that people spend lots of time thinking about sex, having sexual fantasies, trying to hook up, strategizing, etc. And then when they’re having sex, their minds are off somewhere else.

Next time you’re fortunate enough to be in a sexual situation, watch your mind. Are you fully in the room? Are you using your senses to their fullest? Are you so attuned to your partner and her pleasure that her pleasure seems like your own? Are you feeling your own body fully?

A basic spiritual practice is to be present: to be here and now. What better place to practice that than sex? What a great place to be fully present.

Real women

Everyone masturbates to fantasies -- pictures, vids and such.

But you probably aren’t going to be spending your real life sex life with porn stars and sex workers.  When you’re ready to move on to real women, it’s a good idea to get real.

Real women aren’t airbrushed…but then neither are you.  They have flaws and idiosyncrasies and real live smells and tastes.  Guess what…you, too. 

Although in a general sense, you can’t tell your genitals what to think, the more you focus on supreme hotness, the less chance you have to get real fulfillment and pleasure in your life.  Yep, you may be able to score with Angelina Jolie, but it’s unlikely.