Getting real about women will make YOUR sex MUCH better

I should probably say this in all caps but…I am about to point up some negatives about pornography.  I am not suggesting that pornography be made illegal.  It’s absolutely stunning how panicked most men seem to get about pornography.

Let me say this again.  I’m not suggesting that anyone will take away pornography.

Do I need to say this again?  I’m not suggesting that anyone will take away pornography.

I’m probably still going to get comments about free speech and censorship and whatever.  Save those typing fingers for better things, guys!

But here’s a problem with pornography – among many.  Pornography, in my opinion, tends to dumb down sex.  Certainly there are exceptions but in a vast, vast, vast sea of pornography, the sex is really, really, really, really, really, really basic.

Pornography’s audience is primarily male – that’s no secret.  But guys, it sells you short.  Pornography gives a version of sex where everything that the women are or do is oriented toward what the male audience (ostensibly at least) wants.

The women look like men seem to want (impossibly slim but with gigantic breasts), act like men seem to want and approach sex in way that is completely oriented toward men.  Which makes sense – they’re being paid to please the customer and the customer is male.

I think these are the primary images in lots of guys minds as they start opening up to sex; it’s what they grew up on.  But the women in porn aren’t showing women’s real sexuality.  They aren’t showing a slow, deep, arousal cycle that involves every part of their bodies.  They aren’t showing all the ways of deep, intense sex that isn’t just intercourse.  They’re not showing the transcendence or intimacy that makes sex powerful.

So men grow up without realizing the power – for THEM – of tuning into women’s sexuality.  This is something the ancient Tantric sexual arts have taught for millennia.  When men open up to women’s slow, deep arousal cycles they have longer, deeper, much more satisfying sex.  Many men report orgasm separate from ejaculation, the kinds of full body multiple orgasms that women have, lovemaking that lasts hours instead of minutes and a world of pleasure they never thought possible.

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Why is this called “integral” sexuality?

I’ve been studying integral theory for a while – it’s basically the philosophy of Ken Wilber and I’ll oversimplify by saying that it helps you see things from a number of different perspectives.

This blog looks at sexuality from lots of angles (gee, why is everything a double entendre when you’re writing about sex?) It’s informational but also about how sex and relationships fit into living a great life.

It seems that we’ve focused a ton on how men and women are different in their approaches to love and sex. Clearly the physiological differences are pretty important and our culture (all the world’s cultures) have taught women and men very differently about sex.

Every comedian has a bit about how different men and women are. But are we focusing so much on that that we’re losing what we share? That we have this potential for pleasure together that is very different from what we can have apart? That we can support each other in utterly fundamental ways?

So this is integral in that it’s looking at sex from women’s point of view and men’s point of view and it’s about physiology and love and even spirituality through sex. And it’s thinking about envisioning a world of sex and love that’s not a zero sum game – where the more I get what I want, the more you get what you want, too.

Possible?

Show up for sex

What I find pretty interesting is that people spend lots of time thinking about sex, having sexual fantasies, trying to hook up, strategizing, etc. And then when they’re having sex, their minds are off somewhere else.

Next time you’re fortunate enough to be in a sexual situation, watch your mind. Are you fully in the room? Are you using your senses to their fullest? Are you so attuned to your partner and her pleasure that her pleasure seems like your own? Are you feeling your own body fully?

A basic spiritual practice is to be present: to be here and now. What better place to practice that than sex? What a great place to be fully present.

Real women

Everyone masturbates to fantasies -- pictures, vids and such.

But you probably aren’t going to be spending your real life sex life with porn stars and sex workers.  When you’re ready to move on to real women, it’s a good idea to get real.

Real women aren’t airbrushed…but then neither are you.  They have flaws and idiosyncrasies and real live smells and tastes.  Guess what…you, too. 

Although in a general sense, you can’t tell your genitals what to think, the more you focus on supreme hotness, the less chance you have to get real fulfillment and pleasure in your life.  Yep, you may be able to score with Angelina Jolie, but it’s unlikely.

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